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Dawn of Today

All my life, people have been telling me my life should be made into a movie. I personally don't get it, because it's what I’ve lived through and the only thing I know.

Anyway, I was adopted, I always knew that. And when I was very young, my mom, I call her that because she's the only mother I’ve known, became a Jehovah's Witness and she got me involved, more than she did my dad or my older brother, and it was, again, the only thing I knew. It was normal to me. I went to school and on the weekends I would go to meetings, sermons, whatever they had planned. Totally everyday stuff. We were a normal family, lived like everyone else. I had friends, both from school and from the program. I had a happy childhood.

When I turned 18, I decided to find my biological parents.They were very friendly at the adoption agency, they gave me all the contact information that they could, which was enough, and wished me luck. They even asked me how my adoptive family was treating me and if I was happy. A nice experience. What followed, though, wasn’t.

My birth mother didn’t want any contact. She made that absolutely clear; I had no idea where she lived, what she did for a living or if she had a family, if she had any children. She just made it clear she didn’t want anything to do with me. So, I tried my father. I couldn’t get him by phone, so I decided to pay him a visit. I drove to his house, rang the doorbell and waited. Nervous, obviously. A man in his early forties opened the door. “Yes?” he said, not knowing who it was on his doorstep.

- Hi. My name is Dawn.

Photo: Nicola Gadler / Unsplash

He looked at me blankly, as it didn’t mean anything to him.

“I'm your daughter”, I said. It was a stupid and crazy situation, for the both of us. He almost collapsed.

He managed to ask me in - good man. I told him everything I knew, which left him in shock. He had no idea. He’d dated my mother for a couple of months, it wasn’t a big love-affair or anything, so he wasn’t all that surprised when she ended the relationship, without any explanation. She’d probably found out she was pregnant, hadn’t said anything and just left him. And then, some six or seven months later, she left me.

It must’ve been strange for him, finding out all of a sudden that he has a child that’s not really a child anymore. He took it as well as could be expected. He’s OK. We still talk every now and then, birthdays, Christmas and the like. I didn’t expect anything more than that. Less than a year later, I am 19 and my mother decides I’m ready to go and spread the word of Jehovah and sell The Watchtower to the foreign lands, so she sends me to Estonia. I don’t know the language, I’ve never been alone anywhere, especially not in a foreign country, but still I go. I trust her and am confident in myself.

I stayed at a student dorm, with other young foreign visitors, spent time with my peers at the JW temple, but something unexpected happened. Two things actually. First of all, being alone and left to make my own decisions and act on instinct and experience, I realized all that JW business was not for me. I didn’t think like that, I didn’t feel it. So, I decided to give it all up, leave it. A big and brave decision.

The second thing I’d realized was that I was attracted to girls, young women that is (especially the two Swedish girls in the dorm). Another big revelation and a wake-up call to do something and change my life.

After that I had to change everything. I quit the JW, which meant I had to find a job and figure out what I wanted to do. And where. I DJ-ed for a while, ‘cause I love music, and did some modeling as well. Just long enough to save up enough money to get somewhere; an English-speaking country was my priority. So, I picked Great Britain. Scotland, to be exact.

As the queen’s subject, which as a Canadian I definitely was, Commonwealth and all, it seemed like the best option. I had to find a job and a place to live, get my life together. And I did exactly that, which wasn't that difficult. The job wasn't that great or anything, I worked as a secretary at a law firm, but I was able to pay rent and cover other living expenses, also the people were nice. Most of them, at least.

And then one day, a guy from the States came, an expert in HR, he taught people how to not get sued for improper content, sexual innuendos and such. The guy was extremely annoying. Even the way he looked was annoying, a silk scarf, expensive shoes, an expensive, but in my opinion very bad haircut. I assume he wanted people to think he was a player. I just thought he was trying to be noticed. And he was, but not for the reasons he had hoped to be. He drove an orange sports car, a convertible. Pathetic.

He also kept saying people hated him because he was Jewish. His every other sentence was about that. I didn’t think people hated or disliked him because of that, but rather because he was simply annoying.

He also included me in his lectures about harassment, which dragged on and on, while never failing to mention how he was Jewish and how everyone hated him because of that. And then, all of a sudden, for no reason that I could see, not that I was paying much attention to him, he said how everyone thought the US was so horrible because of the death penalty. A few people nodded their heads. “Actually,” he said, “Britain also has a death penalty, did you know that?” He was so full of himself. “Yes, for treason!” he exclaimed.

There was a brief silence, and then a woman whom I kind of liked, but didn't really know, said: “And when was the last time it was implemented? The US kills several people each week. And when was the last time anyone was executed in the UK? Late 50s, early 60s?”

You could tell by everyone's faces that they liked what she’d said. Except the annoying guy, I think his name was David. He stared at her blankly and then changed the subject. Bravo to her, is what I thought.

In terms of my love life, well, it wasn't much of a love life at first. I decided to explore my new feelings and urges, so it had consisted of a number of brief encounters for a while. And then I met her. She was English and came to the University of Edinburgh for postgraduate studies. Lucky me. Or so I thought. I fell for her hard. I liked spending time with her, in every possible meaning of those words. Talking, going out, staying in (if you know what I mean) and even just walking, taking strolls around this beautiful city.

The gay community in Edinburgh isn't that big, everyone pretty much knows everyone. So I wasn't really surprised when I found out my girl was having coffee with my ex, regularly. I didn’t actually have a relationship with that girl, there were never any real emotions involved, it had been just physical. So, I decided not to complain.

All was well until a friend of mine happened to sit at a table next to them and heard them talk. “It didn’t sound pleasant,” he said. They were discussing me. In bed. What I do, what I don’t do. What I like and what I dislike. Horrible. I was in shock.

And that I couldn’t just let slide. I confronted her. At first she tried to deny it, but not for long. Then she said it was true and that she saw nothing wrong with it. She acted like it was normal. Long story short, we're not together anymore. I’m now waiting for love. It’s going to come, I know it, I’m not even worried.

What I am concerned about is going home to visit my family. I have no idea if my mom is going to be shocked more by the fact that I am gay or that I am no longer a member of the Jehovah's Witnesses program. I think the latter. And I can’t predict what her reaction will be, whether she’ll be mad, sad or something else. I’ll just have to wait and see this Christmas. So that's my life so far. In brief. Me. Dawn. I do not think it's that special or different. It's life, my life, everyday stuff. Most of it, anyway. Should it be made into a movie? I don’t know. I hope you at least found it interesting.

#prose #creativewriting #lgbt #independence #sliceoflife #religion

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