One of the things I will never forgive myself for doing is making my mom say: ‘Son, I will pass away longing for you’. It is only now that I begin to grasp and feel the weight of these words. It is only now that I can at least try to imagine how she felt. Same goes with the fact that I do not know my dad and that he does not know me. The same goes for my sister too. I can’t believe what I have done with my life. I can’t believe what I have done with their lives. I am so morbid… I’m playing some gloomy music now from my computer in order to go on with this topic, or else all the empathy may vanish from my being in a matter of seconds. No longer than that. It was recently that I noticed how deep the wrinkles on my mom’s face are. It was recently that I noticed how many grays there are in my father’s hair. It was only recently that I managed to notice that my sister is not a little girl anymore and is about to get married. It was recently that I became aware of the fact that I am not me anymore. I’ve become someone else. I have become something else. And the worse of all, I can’t remember who I was. Now I ask myself, is it too late? Is it too late for me to change? I don’t want to go on like this, and there is no exit, except for the obvious one, and it is intended for cowards and the self-absorbed. But then again, what else am I?
The question remains, is it too late for me to change?
This story is courtesy of Bihać Calling.