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on a rainy november day during the '90s after the night-shift at the hospital and two hours of sleep my mom took me to buy me new rain boots I wanted the purple ones with flowers although she had two black circles under her big brown eyes we searched for them the whole afternoon I remember that night on the bus I stared at blurry traffic lights which made me feel nostalgic for something I felt like I wanted to cry we couldn't find them and came back home dad made us a cup of hot tea milosevic was on the TV I caught them looking at each other worried no tears only heaviness

april '99 as a result of bombing we hadn't had electricity my sister and I went into mom and dad's bed all together, we were lying on the bed whispering our wishes and imagining what our lives will look like after all this chaos no tears only heaviness

february 2001 my dad had a heart-attack I remember the night the ambulance took him to the hospital and how while he was away mom stopped smoking thinking she will support him thus no tears only heaviness

june 2014 I didn't get in the academy I remember drinking vodka with my friend the night was warm and everything seemed to be okay the next day a message from my friend: ''I'll join the club'' tears dropped slowly as the bitterness of vodka burnt our throats while we tried to dance heaviness finally made the tears appear

last year my dad was diagnosed with cancer I remember the day when he arrived from the hospital showing us his scans and mom tried to explain to us how he’ll be treated no tears only heaviness

the same year my friend got a scholarship I remember when she called to let me know finally she will eat properly no heaviness only tears (of joy)

march this year my mom was falling apart to keep my dad ready for chemo I remember how she cried because the blood results came out good heaviness and tears

I remember just a couple months ago my friend called me anxiety attacks had her prisoned I was shaking while watching her crying I put the pillow on my thighs so she can have all the comfort while I was trying to comfort her the pillow was all wet and her face was flushed I thought to myself what do you say to someone who’s crying?

but I never asked myself what you do when you can't cry.

The image is courtesy of Jelena Todorović.


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